Category Archives: Random Shit

Hysterical Literature Sessions

“Hysterical Literature is a video art series by NYC-based photographer and filmmaker Clayton Cubitt. It explores feminism, mind/body dualism, distraction portraiture, and the contrast between culture and sexuality. (It’s also just really fun to watch.) ”

I can’t emphasize enough how much I love this. I did a video series in art school called, “Das Gift” where women described an orgasm. It was a rather unsurprising hit among the males at the school.

 

 

 

 

Stuff I Found Online That You Definitely Want To Check Out

This marketing stunt is so good I can’t get over how fucking cool it is. See what happens when a girl with telekinetic powers uses them in public (and scares the shit out of cafe patrons).

If you write short personal essays and are looking to publish this is an excellent source for magazines that take open submissions. Also, they are great mags to read in general. Get on it.

If you have a dog or have ever had one you know how fucking weird they are. Mine spends most of his time humping his toys and puppy splooging all over the floor (thanks Oliver), running through the house like a maniac, or rolling around on the bed like he’s been given acid and believes he’s covered in bugs. Anyways, I love him in spite of himself. If you have a dog (that you actually give a shit about and don’t have tied to a tree or living in solitary confinement in the yard alone…dick) then you can relate to this: My Dog The Paradox. 

Christopher Columbus was awful, and a pedophile, according to many historical texts and this article by theoatmeal . If he were alive today he wouldn’t be a hero, he would be on the SEX OFFENDER LIST. So let’s not celebrate him unless we’re also going to name a celebratory holiday after Hitler and/or John Wayne Gacy.

English: Christopher Columbus Česky: Portrét K...

English: Christopher Columbus The perv (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

John Wayne Gacy

John Wayne Gacy (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Movies And The Infamous Ex

This is just a thought and not a real post at all. Why is it that every other movie I watch is about some guy who is depressed and missing his ex girlfriend? The nostalgia is exhausting. Can someone explain to me if this is just a common theme among movie/t.v. writers or is every guy on earth sitting around thinking, “what if?” If it’s the latter, dudes, move on and get with it. She hates you.

New Here? Start With These Posts.

beauty-review-1

New here? I’ve compiled some of my most popular blog posts and short stories for you to give you somewhere to start. Please give me feedback or share if something sits well with you. Or if you’re drunk.

10 Reasons That I’m Surprised That Someone Married Me

A Story About My Little Brother’s Death

My Life With Animals

A Little About M.E. A Short Bio

Scientists: You Have Sex Entirely Wrong

Sex.Sex.Sex.

A new article I read on the Huffington Post about oral sex and why men perform it, has me sitting here thinking that a bunch of researchers need to be bitch-slapped. Frankly, I’m tired of academics trying to put humans in this bizarre mating group which I like to refer to as, “rape and impregnate theory,” aka FUCKING BULLSHIT. Here’s why:

1. Why do men stimulate women orally? One theory is to “ward off cheating.” I’d argue that we get head for the same reason men do: It helps the parts work. End of story. If you go down on me, I lubricate, my vagina relaxes, and I want sex. The same way that if you give a man head, his part gets hard. Humans mate for pleasure, like the bonobo chimpanzee or the dolphin. We masturbate because it feels awesome. Sex, is supposed to feel good and that’s why we do it. The same reason that women have orgasms. I’ve read so much painful research on “why do women have orgasms,” because it doesn’t fit into this ridiculous concept that everything has to be a part of a deeper evolutionary experience. How about this? Women have orgasms because we weren’t meant to be surprised fucked from behind a bush. Our bodies were made to LIKE sex so we’d do it. The same fucking reason men have an orgasm. This is also why our bodies need to be turned on to lubricate. Human women are not cats. Please, stop putting us in the same category. Our bodies need pleasure to lubricate to protect us from tearing and physical duress during sex, to make it feel good, to make our vagina deeper (so you don’t pound into our cervix which for the record FUCKING HURTS), etc, and this makes us do it over and over again. Saying, “men go down on women to prevent cheating,” completely overlooks a bunch of other shit that just doesn’t make sense like: According to this way of thinking, what is the fucking point of pregnant women being the horniest women EVER? You can’t get her pregnant again (because we’re not cats) and why should you care if she cheats? Bitch is already knocked up and carrying your seed. So why? Because we’re meant to enjoy sex. THAT’S IT.

2. Why do women orgasm? The theories are hilarious from “embryonic leftovers” suggesting that the orgasm was something established before gender forms in utero, or the “vacuum” theory which suggests we orgasm to suck sperm up. Seriously? I’m not making this shit up. Please refer to number 1 above. How about, again, we enjoy sex so we’ll do it. If men didn’t orgasm they wouldn’t do it either. We all enjoy it so we do it. Again, we’re not cats. Get on with it.

3. I had a discussion with some friends, all Ph.d holders, all academics, about sex and women last year. The way that academics view sex is hilarious and frankly I think everyone is trying too hard. One of the topics was an article we’d all read on why women often become energetic after sex. One theory was, “so she can continue being ready for multiple partners to ensure impregnation.” Uhm, NO. If I humped my husband and afterwards one of his friends was like, “oh me too,” my vagina would lock itself up and throw away the key. I’ve never met a woman (that isn’t getting paid) that has sex with someone and then sneaks outside to do it with other dudes. Nope. Nobody. Let me tell you why: Our bodies were totally not meant for gang banging. Even doing it multiple times in one night makes your lady-parts sore. Biologically it’s not our thing. And, this is why gang rapes often kill or severely damage the reproductive system of the victim, we don’t do loads of dicks. Our bodies were made to be kissed, touched nicely, turned on, penetrated, and if we like it and keep doing it eventually impregnated. Which also reminds me: Getting knocked up is pretty difficult. There is only a small window every month so liking sex is KEY to us doing it over and over again. And the real reason we are wide awake after doing it? We have to pee, dudes. The way our system is set-up, if we don’t pee after we do it we get something called a Bladder Infection, which is painful and back before modern medicine, it was deadly. So in order to NOT DIE, we get a boost of energy so we can saunter into the bathroom and piss. That’s it. Stop trying.

4. Why is it so difficult for researchers to see that our biological bodies, culture and society aside because those are humans constructs, were made to enjoy sex. Yes, women were made TO LOVE SEX. If I don’t like you, your tongue, the way you kiss, if you don’t TRY, my vagina hates you as much as I do. Add an orgasm and me and my vagina are more than happy to do it. Take the fun out of it and not only do my parts stop working (or don’t work correctly) but I’ll also hate it and not want to do it. Despite the way our culture and society have managed to place our bodies in a strange box of  selfish male-dominated Rape Culture,  Darwinian bullshit theory, Puritan bullshit theory (ps we love to masturbate too), our biology suggests otherwise. Respect it, love it, and you can have it. That’s it. Get on the bandwagon otherwise choke to death on your research. We don’t need you.

Dear world: Newsflash, we like sex too.

Dear world: Newsflash, we like sex too.

How To Postpone Productivity

I’m working on a memoir of short stories from all the characters in my family. Such as my grandma who wore trucker hats, and lived off of cigarettes and hot-toddies, to my little sister who is convinced that my step-mother had all of her babies from her butt, to my brother who died from mixing prescription valium with beer, my stripper, construction-worker mother, and my Iranian, businessman father. I bet you often wonder how I’m so “well-rounded,” and now you know! Anyhow, I’m working on a memoir and the most difficult thing isn’t writing it’s avoiding the internet. I write one sentence and then suddenly I’m reading about human taxidermy. I write a paragraph and I’m watching videos of a baby poking a bull-dog in the eye. Five minutes later I’m watching videos of a pig giving birth. And now you are too! I’m taking you down with me!

Have a great day!