During the day when I’m not trying to iron out a book or writing a blog post, I work as a copywriter. Basically, I work in advertising and marketing, writing persuasive prose designed to give a nudge to the masses. It’s manipulative but sometimes rewarding to see how ideas or words can motivate people in different ways. I felt better about my job before I got really into Mad Men on Netflix.
My husband and I are watching all of the seasons, 1-10 million right now and all I can think is, “I’m a dickweed for a living.” Great. Also? Thank god I didn’t grow up in the fifties. I spend a lot of episodes hoping that one of the babes will punch out one of the more sexist dudes who are all “my hands are broken cause I have a penis, I can’t mix my own drink.” So, I was pretty excited today to see the episode where Joan’s husband was whining and Joan, tired of his shit, knocked him over the head with a vase. Finally! And, then the next day he returned home with a dozen roses for Joan like, “you were abusive, so here’s a pretty reminder,” because the fifties were swell.
I was eating spinach and Francesco was sitting next to me during the episode. I wanted flowers too so I leaned over and stabbed him with my fork.
F: Ouch! What the hell?!
Me: You’re supposed to buy me flowers now.
F: Are you insane? Says who?
Me: Says t.v. And we all know that t.v. mirrors real life.
F: No! You assho—
Stabbed him again.
F: Stop that! You don’t even like flowers!
Me: it’s not working! Maybe it needs to be a vase? Do we even own a vase?!
F: I’ll buy you a vase if you stop poking me. Jesus. Psycho.
Me: It worked!
The moral of the story is that forks are a multipurpose tool invented by a genius. And? You’re welcome, ladies.*
Jabbing your partner could lead to tetanus, probably. I don’t recommend it. Unless you’re trying to kill them.*
Don’t kill your partner, it’s the least effective way to get flowers or vases.