I went to Petco with my mom the other day to get some dog food for my poodle. I weaved through the aisles with her behind me when I heard:
“My neck, my back, lick my pussy and my crack, heeeeey.” In my mother’s voice.
I spun around.
“Have you heard that song?” She asked.
“Yes. Unfortunately. But why have YOU heard that song?”
“Your aunt’s roommate listens to it.”
“My neck, my back, lick my….”
“MOM! Please! Help me find the food.”
“Hey! Come check out this shirt I bought your uncle!”
I run downstairs to see my mom holding a sweatshirt up. The shirt read, “If you have to turn your head to read this you owe me a blow-job.”
“It’s hilarious! He’s gonna love it!”
“HEY! Your dog keeps putting his head near my crotch! Tell this damn dog that that area is for my husband only!”
“YEAH! MINE” My step-dad chimed in.
My mom is probably the most unhealthy person I’ve ever met. She lives on coffee, coca cola, and beer (after five or six p.m., naturally), eats only packaged foods and candy, chain smokes and probably hasn’t done any kind of cardio since she was in elementary school.
Yesterday, my husband and I were hanging out at her house when she offered him Cheeze Whiz.
My husband: What is that?
ME: Gross cheese
My husband: No!
My mom: Don’t be such a fucking wuss! It’s just cheese in a can!
My husband: BWAHAHAHAHAHAAH!
My mom: What the hell is so damn funny? It’s just cheese! It comes in different flavors too. It’s good!
My husband: BWAHAHAHAAHAHAHAH!
Me: Wow. I had no idea that you’re a sort of Kraft connoisseur. They got that sharp chedder. That bacon. That American. Mmmm.
My mom: Assholes. Shut up.
- Conversations with a Phone Sex Goddess: New Memoir Dials Up Fascinating Insight Into Phone Sex Industry (sbwire.com)
- The Last Minute Gift Guide of Funny Books (jesswitkins.wordpress.com)
- Trusting Instincts. ~ Heather Haskins (elephantjournal.com)