My Mom The Fascinating Creature

I went to Petco with my mom the other day to get some dog food for my poodle. I weaved through the aisles with her behind me when I heard:

“My neck, my back, lick my pussy and my crack, heeeeey.” In my mother’s voice.

I turned around.

“Have you heard that song?” She asked.

“Yes. Unfortunately. But why have YOU heard that song?”

“Your aunt’s roommate listens to it.”


“My neck, my back, lick my….”

“MOM! Please! Help me find the food.”



“Hey! Come check out this shirt I bought your uncle!”

I run downstairs to see my mom holding a sweatshirt up. The shirt read, “If you  have to turn your head to read this you owe me a blow-job.”


“It’s hilarious! He’s gonna love it!”



“HEY! Your dog keeps putting his head near my crotch! Tell this damn dog that that area is for my husband only!”

“YEAH! MINE” My step-dad chimed in.



My mom is probably the most unhealthy person I’ve ever met in my entire life. She drinks nothing but coffee, coka cola, and beer (after five or six p.m., naturally), eats nothing but packaged foods and candy, chain smokes, and has probably not done any kind of cardiovascular work since her teenage years. She’s skinny though so in her mind she’s a shining pillar of health and wellness. I worry for her so it pisses me off that she doesn’t take her health seriously. My husband, who is Italian, finds the whole thing fascinating and studies her and giggles to himself. Yesterday I showed him that Kraft cheese spread that you spray out of the top onto crackers.

My husband: What the fuck is that!?

ME: Gross cheese

My husband: No!

My mom: Don’t be such a fucking wuss! It’s just cheese in a can!

My husband: BWAHAHAHAHAHAAH! [and he continued to laugh hysterically for about fifteen minutes]

My mom: What the hell is so damn funny? It’s just cheese! It comes in different flavors too. It’s good!


Me: Wow. I had no idea that you’re a sort of Kraft connoisseur. They got that sharp chedder. That bacon. That American. Mmmm.

My mom: Assholes. Shut up.


One thought on “My Mom The Fascinating Creature

  1. Pippa Pirrip

    Last time I had spray cheese was during my first degree in the dorms. A bunch of us were studying in a someone’s dorm, tossing around snacks & drinks. Someone tossed a can of cheese to someone, but it missed the mark & hit the wall. The can started to hiss & my friend Zach screams, “It’s gonna blow!” We all got out in time, but the room and every textbook in it reeked of that foul crap for the rest of the semester.


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