I went to Petco with my mom the other day to get some dog food for my poodle. I weaved through the aisles with her behind me when I heard:
“My neck, my back, lick my pussy and my crack, heeeeey.” In my mother’s voice.
I turned around.
“Have you heard that song?” She asked.
“Yes. Unfortunately. But why have YOU heard that song?”
“Your aunt’s roommate listens to it.”
“My neck, my back, lick my….”
“MOM! Please! Help me find the food.”
“Hey! Come check out this shirt I bought your uncle!”
I run downstairs to see my mom holding a sweatshirt up. The shirt read, “If you have to turn your head to read this you owe me a blow-job.”
“It’s hilarious! He’s gonna love it!”
“HEY! Your dog keeps putting his head near my crotch! Tell this damn dog that that area is for my husband only!”
“YEAH! MINE” My step-dad chimed in.
My mom is probably the most unhealthy person I’ve ever met in my entire life. She drinks nothing but coffee, coka cola, and beer (after five or six p.m., naturally), eats nothing but packaged foods and candy, chain smokes, and has probably not done any kind of cardiovascular work since her teenage years. She’s skinny though so in her mind she’s a shining pillar of health and wellness. I worry for her so it pisses me off that she doesn’t take her health seriously. My husband, who is Italian, finds the whole thing fascinating and studies her and giggles to himself. Yesterday I showed him that Kraft cheese spread that you spray out of the top onto crackers.
My husband: What the fuck is that!?
ME: Gross cheese
My husband: No!
My mom: Don’t be such a fucking wuss! It’s just cheese in a can!
My husband: BWAHAHAHAHAHAAH! [and he continued to laugh hysterically for about fifteen minutes]
My mom: What the hell is so damn funny? It’s just cheese! It comes in different flavors too. It’s good!
My husband: BWAHAHAHAAHAHAHAH!
Me: Wow. I had no idea that you’re a sort of Kraft connoisseur. They got that sharp chedder. That bacon. That American. Mmmm.
My mom: Assholes. Shut up.
- Conversations with a Phone Sex Goddess: New Memoir Dials Up Fascinating Insight Into Phone Sex Industry (sbwire.com)
- The Last Minute Gift Guide of Funny Books (jesswitkins.wordpress.com)
- Trusting Instincts. ~ Heather Haskins (elephantjournal.com)