Talking WIth Your Kids About Sex Is Really Going To Suck Thanks To Pornhub

Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew

Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

There has always been porn to some extent but only since the internet exploded has it been so easily accessible and free. Now, dudes (or ladies) can watch pornhub on their cell phones for a quick jerk in a public bathroom. I’m not judging. I watch porn on the rare, rare occasion (though I’m extremely careful about men who watch too much of it. Why? Because guys who watch a lot of porn SUCK AT SEX. There is nothing worse than having sex with a guy who watched a ton of porn because they seem to not understand that porn stars are paid a ton of money to act like they like the weirdly uncomfortable things that the dudes are doing. Reality, they don’t. Why? Well, biologically it’s just not really comfortable. The vagina, guys, it near the bladder, bowels, and inside SOMEONE’S GUTS, so jackhammering that general area is NOT AWESOME. I just made you better in bed and now you’re girlfriend won’t leave you for a Rabbit. You’re welcome. Totally blew your mind, I know. So, if adults who watch a lot of porn suck at sex because they seem to think it’s real, what will kids think when they get their hands on it?

And let’s just be clear: Your kids WILL PROBABLY SEE PORN before they are even teenagers. Various studies show that between 42% and %60 of children saw porn before turning TWELVE. Yes, you watch your kids at your house, yes, you have a porn blocker, but you cannot block their friends’ cell phones, or their tablets, or the internet at their school or their friends houses. You can’t. The control freak religious moms right now are totally shitting their pants and thinking, “I WILL LOCK HER IN THE BASEMENT!” but she’ll probably see porn down there too. Somehow.

Imagine a world where young girls and boys see porn as their first impression of sex. First of all, let’s think of how TRAUMATIZED THE GIRLS WILL BE. “So, to have sex I have to let my boyfriend cum in my eye after he puts his willy in my butt? No fucking way.” And the boys will think, “In order to be good at sex, I have to put my willy in my girlfriend’s ear and then rub my balls in her eye? Ew. But, okay I guess?”

In the age of technology where everything is instantly accessible, including porn, it’s more important than ever to talk with your kids. Yes, you can be all, “yee fucking haw abstinence weeee, Christian woo!”. Religion might be nice if used wisely but it’s not going to shelter your children from the world.  Be as yee-haw ‘MERCA as you want, but your kids will see weird humans humping anyways. The only thing you can do is sit them down and explain to them that porn isn’t real sex. Those people are PAID a lot of money. That real women don’t like being mounted like a dying cat, and that real men do NOT treat women that way in real life (unless they are rapists or that one guy that kept those poor girls in a basement). Unfortunately, in this day and age we have to explain that porn, which is more accessible than a dictionary online, is fake, just like any other movie. Also, it might be nice to also tell them that porn addiction is a real thing, like crack, and that if they are going to watch it to do it very rarely because otherwise they’ll have to go to sex rehab and nobody will marry them (except for Katy Perry) because most people don’t want partners with chaffed or infected body parts. Especially there. Thanks technology for making the “birds and the bees” talk even more awkward than it used to be.

5 thoughts on “Talking WIth Your Kids About Sex Is Really Going To Suck Thanks To Pornhub

  1. Pippa Pirrip

    ExHusband’s porn addiction began when he was 13. Not only dad he think that porn sex was real & that women who deigned to sleep with him were holding out on him with the good stuff, he also compulsively watched it no matter how often & acrobatic the sex was. He watched HOURS (6-8) of porn every day, he even got into web camming with people & participating in cybersex. He masturbated constantly. This is one of the biggest reasons why I filed for divorce after 6 months of (shitty) marriage.

    In all fairness, he had plenty of other flaws his WASPy parents should have talked to him about, but had someone had the Sex vs. Porn talk with him, we probably would have seen our first anniversary.

    Reply
  2. M.E. Evans Post author

    Ugh! I’m sorry love! That sounds terrible! I’ve never dated a porn addict, per se, but you can always tell when a guy watches tons of porn. 238,456,523 positions later you’re going, “Seriously? Have you actually had sex with a living woman?” It’s sad. And even more sad is that most women think that porn sex is what guys want so they go along with it (and they don’t enjoy it themselves, but they pretend to). I’m not anti porn because like I said I watch it occasionally, but I don’t think it’s really awesome. And I definitely can see it becoming an epidemic of horrible sex in the future and fueling sexism to the 10th degree. It really makes men believe that women like to be treated like crap. Not the best view to have in the world.

    Reply
    1. Pippa Pirrip

      I’m not anti-porn either, but I wouldn’t have married him had I known of his… passion for it. In his case, he really liked stuff where the woman was more demanding and the guy was just along for the ride, so he was silently disappointed when all sex wasn’t me molesting him for hours on end- but whose vagina can handle all that??? Not to mention, being that creative all the time makes it such a chore! I’m not a starfish or anything, but role playing, wearing lingerie, using toys, etc… if you need to do that every single time in order to consider the sex a success, that is a problem.

      A guy I used to work with once told this story about how a guy he knew in the military had been really into porn and thought it was all real, so when the dude finally got laid, he pulled out and came all over the girl’s face and was genuinely shocked when she was pissed off instead of elated by it. I seem to remember she basically beat the shit out of him (and justifiably so!)

      This was an awesome post, I hope it goes viral. The world needs it.

      Reply
  3. M.E. Evans Post author

    Thank you love! It totally SHOULD GO VIRAL! That would be winning!

    Also, I totally don’t have kids but here is an example of what I rehearse in my head. Right now my sex talk with future children (should I have them) sounds like this (everyone is totally free to use it if you can’t think of one of your own):
    Look, I obviously had sex otherwise you wouldn’t be standing here dying inside because of this awkward talk. So, let’s just get the basics out of the way. 1) HPV can be contracted even without fluid exchange. So, make sure you think about that before you let someone near your hoo-haw or willy. Willy or hoo-hoo cancer sucks. 2) Traveling, dating, and partying is pretty fun. You can’t do those things when you have an infant so go ahead and think about that before you decide to have children under the age of 25. No, wait, make that 30. Or 60. Also, I’m pro-choice so we can totally talk if you mess up. 3) Men lie to get laid. So, keep that in the back of your mind when some dude is telling you how much more he’d like you if you let him honk your ta-tas or get creep-nasty near your lady bits (to my daughter). (to my son) Do not be one of those creepy dudes that lies to get laid. If you’re genuinely nice, smart, and not shitty, girls will want to do you. IF you’re an asshole and a creep you’re really going to have to work harder. Oh, and p.s. I will beat you within an inch of your life if you’re shitty to women. Remember that you have a mother. who is crazy. 4) Porn is not real. It’s just as fake as Freddy Krueger, or The Wizard Of Oz. Those women are paid a lot of money to let dudes do weird things to them. Real sex is not like that. If a dude tries to poke a normal girl in the eye with his bits she’s going to stab him in the eye and he’ll probably never see her bits again. If your dude wants you to act like that get a new dude because yours is broken. Yes, some women are really into all those things. Those women had trauma as children and while that doesn’t make them bad it makes them victims. So, there’s that. Let that guilt sink in. So, yep. I love you. I know that you’re smart and wonderful (laying on the guilt) so I don’t need to worry about you. I know you’ll make the right decisions. Oh, and ps. some girls like girls and some dudes like dudes. Diversity is Gods way of keeping things interesting. So, that’s life.

    Reply
  4. Naphtali

    First, I laughed out loud-top notch.
    Second, I have seen porn and it is okay to a point. I too cringe when they show so many health violations; penis in mouth -ass-vagina and mouth!! That is how disease happen. I tell guys that human women that do not get paid to perform these feats of pounding are not into it. It’s all for show.

    Reply

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