A new article I read on the Huffington Post about oral sex and why men perform it, has me sitting here thinking that a bunch of researchers need to be bitch-slapped. Frankly, I’m tired of academics trying to put humans in this bizarre mating group which I like to refer to as, “rape and impregnate theory,” aka FUCKING BULLSHIT. Here’s why:
1. Why do men stimulate women orally? One theory is to “ward off cheating.” I’d argue that we get head for the same reason men do: It helps the parts work. End of story. If you go down on me, I lubricate, my vagina relaxes, and I want sex. The same way that if you give a man head, his part gets hard. Humans mate for pleasure, like the bonobo chimpanzee or the dolphin. We masturbate because it feels awesome. Sex, is supposed to feel good and that’s why we do it. The same reason that women have orgasms. I’ve read so much painful research on “why do women have orgasms,” because it doesn’t fit into this ridiculous concept that everything has to be a part of a deeper evolutionary experience. How about this? Women have orgasms because we weren’t meant to be surprised fucked from behind a bush. Our bodies were made to LIKE sex so we’d do it. The same fucking reason men have an orgasm. This is also why our bodies need to be turned on to lubricate. Human women are not cats. Please, stop putting us in the same category. Our bodies need pleasure to lubricate to protect us from tearing and physical duress during sex, to make it feel good, to make our vagina deeper (so you don’t pound into our cervix which for the record FUCKING HURTS), etc, and this makes us do it over and over again. Saying, “men go down on women to prevent cheating,” completely overlooks a bunch of other shit that just doesn’t make sense like: According to this way of thinking, what is the fucking point of pregnant women being the horniest women EVER? You can’t get her pregnant again (because we’re not cats) and why should you care if she cheats? Bitch is already knocked up and carrying your seed. So why? Because we’re meant to enjoy sex. THAT’S IT.
2. Why do women orgasm? The theories are hilarious from “embryonic leftovers” suggesting that the orgasm was something established before gender forms in utero, or the “vacuum” theory which suggests we orgasm to suck sperm up. Seriously? I’m not making this shit up. Please refer to number 1 above. How about, again, we enjoy sex so we’ll do it. If men didn’t orgasm they wouldn’t do it either. We all enjoy it so we do it. Again, we’re not cats. Get on with it.
3. I had a discussion with some friends, all Ph.d holders, all academics, about sex and women last year. The way that academics view sex is hilarious and frankly I think everyone is trying too hard. One of the topics was an article we’d all read on why women often become energetic after sex. One theory was, “so she can continue being ready for multiple partners to ensure impregnation.” Uhm, NO. If I humped my husband and afterwards one of his friends was like, “oh me too,” my vagina would lock itself up and throw away the key. I’ve never met a woman (that isn’t getting paid) that has sex with someone and then sneaks outside to do it with other dudes. Nope. Nobody. Let me tell you why: Our bodies were totally not meant for gang banging. Even doing it multiple times in one night makes your lady-parts sore. Biologically it’s not our thing. And, this is why gang rapes often kill or severely damage the reproductive system of the victim, we don’t do loads of dicks. Our bodies were made to be kissed, touched nicely, turned on, penetrated, and if we like it and keep doing it eventually impregnated. Which also reminds me: Getting knocked up is pretty difficult. There is only a small window every month so liking sex is KEY to us doing it over and over again. And the real reason we are wide awake after doing it? We have to pee, dudes. The way our system is set-up, if we don’t pee after we do it we get something called a Bladder Infection, which is painful and back before modern medicine, it was deadly. So in order to NOT DIE, we get a boost of energy so we can saunter into the bathroom and piss. That’s it. Stop trying.
4. Why is it so difficult for researchers to see that our biological bodies, culture and society aside because those are humans constructs, were made to enjoy sex. Yes, women were made TO LOVE SEX. If I don’t like you, your tongue, the way you kiss, if you don’t TRY, my vagina hates you as much as I do. Add an orgasm and me and my vagina are more than happy to do it. Take the fun out of it and not only do my parts stop working (or don’t work correctly) but I’ll also hate it and not want to do it. Despite the way our culture and society have managed to place our bodies in a strange box of selfish male-dominated Rape Culture, Darwinian bullshit theory, Puritan bullshit theory (ps we love to masturbate too), our biology suggests otherwise. Respect it, love it, and you can have it. That’s it. Get on the bandwagon otherwise choke to death on your research. We don’t need you.