Yes, I Want To Kill Myself. Don’t Get All Judgy.

I think about killing myself, a lot. At least two-hundred times per month. Sometimes, I’m not even sad when I think about it. And maybe that’s the ever-present, low-grade depression, but often I’ll think about killing myself just because it seems practical. Sometimes I’ll think to myself, “I’m 31, I should kill myself.” Or, “that book was really sad, I should kill myself,” or, “being married is sometimes fun but othertimes boring and uneventful, I should probably kill myself.” I’m an ungrateful shitbag and should kill myself.

Since I think about killing myself so often, I write a lot of suicide notes. I have an entire journal full of  suicide notes. Here’s one that I wrote the other day while having a mental breakdown, and crying hysterically in a car.

“Mom, I made bad decisions and this has nothing to do with your parenting. Okay, maybe a little bit, but I thought you were mostly badass. I’m sorry you had to get all uncomfortable and pregnant for me, then spent eighteen years trying to keep my alive, only for me to “opt out.” I’m a dick, I know. Dad, you have like six other kids, so no big loss. Brothers and sisters, I’m sorry. I always forgot your birthdays, anyway.  Husband, if I go into a coma and there is a zombie apocalypse, please leave me a note explaining what happened before you run away. If I fall into a coma and there is no apocalypse, please pull the plug. First, because you’re wasting energy and second, because you’re defeating the purpose of suicide. So, don’t be a dick. If I’m dead: well good! That was the goal! Now is the time to stop whining and enjoy your life. You deserve it!

I’m sorry I was a kind of a shitty wife and I stopped brushing my hair, wasn’t even famous, and was more or less a constant asshole in our relationship. I’m also sorry that I was boring and that we didn’t have sex like four times per day and that we had so many problems with all of your friends because I’m weird and they’re painfully boring.

My advice (you should listen to me because you know I’m always right):Find a nice, “normal” girl who is from your own country, who like looooves to po-go your wang, who isn’t “crazy,”and has a real fucking job and a future (aka not a writer), and love her. Make lots of hairy old man babies, or, aka, “babies,” since all babies look like old men. I fucking HATE when people say babies are cute. They are not cute. Seriously, hold my grandpa and one of my nephews side-by-side  and you can’t tell which one recently escaped a vagina. Truth.

Anyways, I will always love you. Well, let’s be honest, I’m dead (hopefully) so I can’t keep loving you because my brain has stopped working (unless I’m a zombie, then I don’t love you, I just want to eat your face off) but I loved you up until I died. A lot. I really, really did, so much that it was poetically painful, kind of always. Also, this isn’t about you, so don’t be a diva. This is about me. Anyways, take care! Oh shit and P.S. Tell your parents that they are NOT invited to my funeral. Tell my friends to get super drunk and have fun and stop being all whiney because it’s my life and I can do whatever the fuck I want, you selfish bastards!

Love and all that,

Misty, Out.”

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18 thoughts on “Yes, I Want To Kill Myself. Don’t Get All Judgy.

  1. Unstable

    I love the way you describe the feeling (or not so much as a feeling as a compulsive thought pattern) of being suicidal. I would never have been able to put it into words. Good job!

    Reply
  2. notyourvictim

    I constantly think about suicide, too, though I’m honestly too lazy to go through with it. To me, it’s kind of like a fantasy that cheers me up (which makes me weird, I know), I think about dying the way some people dream about visiting Disneyland or some such place. My motto is, “I could be dead by then!” and is said with a smile any time I don’t want to think about something stressful or deal with consequences. I have happy daydreams about the ways in which I could end up dying unexpectedly, like getting hit by a bus or being crushed when the ceiling of my apartment randomly caves in on me.

    The hard part has been since I got my dog, I’m so addicted to her and I’m so responsible for her that I feel like I owe it to her to keep being alive so that she can be taken care of. So now, sometimes I fantasize that we’re visiting someone and I get killed while there so that she has someone around to take care of her forever.

    Reply
    1. M.E. Evans Post author

      hahaha! I think everyone goes through these really crazy moments of depression at least a few times in their lives. Since I write everything down when I’m feeling better I go back and read things and then laugh at myself because I’m pretty damn dramatic when I’m bummed out. I post it because I think a lot of people can relate to those kinds of moments.

      Reply
  3. E Beauchamp

    So do I–have felt this way since I was a child. I’m so fucked up I’m afraid people willl hate me even more than they do now

    Reply
    1. M.E. Evans Post author

      Hello darling, I’m sorry for anyone who has ever had to feel that bad before. It’s absolutely horrible. However, there is definitely light at the end of the tunnel. Hang in there honey! If you ever need someone to talk with these people at hopeline are amazing. http://www.hopeline.com/

      Reply
  4. seelygirl

    I just got a word press account so I could reply and tell you you’re new hero. I laughed so hard because i recognize this so well. It’s me. In fact, I found your blog while googling “I want to kill myself.” True story. And this post, with it’s lovely trUth made me want to live long enough to read more of your blog and maybe I will even start using the one Word press made me sign up for.. Good times.

    Reply
    1. M.E. Evans Post author

      I’m glad you found me. I can definitely relate to how your feeling and I know it’s really difficult to see it at the time but there is often a calm, bittersweet happiness that follows the storm. Hang in there darling. You’re not alone. I hope you do write in your blog, I need mine for sanity, and It definitely helps me cope with some shitty feelings during shitty times. It allows me to vent, to laugh at myself, and to examine myself in a way I normally wouldn’t: depression sucks and I’m sorry you’re going through it. Try to remember that there are a lot of us out there who can relate. We’re all in this together. I’m looking forward to reading your blog (so I do hope you write in it) -love, ME. Ps, when I’m feeling terribly bad after I write I’ll watch hours of capybara videos on YouTube. Have you ever seen one?

      Reply
  5. Matt

    I stumbled upon this, honestly, browsing the internet trying to find out if there was anyone who thought like I did. Your words could have been something I have written at any given time, as I have started so many suicide notes in my life I have lost count. The sad thing to me though (and I wonder if this is just me), is that with each passing not it gets less and less sentimental (tell so and so I love them, tell so and so i am sorry, blah blah) and more business like. The emotions I once had for it are gone, and now it is just a thing. I no longer cry over it, or feel defeated. I guess I have become numb to the idea that people will even care, though I know that they will.

    I always see narratives from sites telling me to seek help if I “feel” a certain way, but to me that almost seems like a joke. Like you said, most times it doesn’t even come with a feeling. It just is. I wake up, man I should kill myself. I eat something that isn’t part of my diet, man I should kill myself. It has become for like a reflex. Similar to perhaps what someone with an eating disorder goes through, how they naturally want to regurgitate anything they consume…my reflex is just that I want to kill myself. Good, bad or in between. The other reason I hate the whole seek help thing, which is the best answer btw, is because I already feel judged enough on life (I am a shitty husband, father, son, employee, friend, humans life form) as it is, and the last thing I feel like is having someone tell me how “okay” things are going to be. I am sure you understand.

    I dunno if I will ever find my way back to your page again, as who knows what tomorrow…or the next day…or the day after may hold. I do know, though, that for tonight…I feel like I have someone out there that can actually understand me, and not judge me as just “throwing myself a pity party” (btw, if anyone says that to me again…I am taking them down to. that was a joke. i like to divert situations with dark humor). Anyways, my rambling has been more than enough…though if there ever would be a chance to speak, i would love you to email me. Perhaps we can share writing or something?

    Reply
    1. M.E. Evans Post author

      Matt,

      I feel really grateful that you’re willing to share such personal feelings with me. I’ve definitely felt that way multiple times in my life and I can relate. What I try to remind myself and other people who offer generic solutions to my feeling like shit is that I’m allowed to feel how I feel and there’s nothing wrong with having terrible feelings sometimes. The feeling itself IS terrible but it doesn’t make you dramatic or lame or crazy. In my experience, many people who feel this way are people who feel deeply about things in general, people who self-reflect a lot, which are not bad things. I know for sure that I tend to put problems and difficulty on myself rather than project it on other people. It’s probably because I have some self-esteem problems. What I CAN say 100% is that I did go to therapy and while it wasn’t a “fix” I definitely learned some techniques to deal with that feeling of being stuck in the dark shadows of it all. That’s where the writing came into play. It really does help me vent my feelings and reflect later. Before that I would just bottle it all up for fear of “bothering” other people or sounding “dramatic.” I know it sounds ridiculous, because when I’m stuck in the dark place I can’t see any light at all, but eventually there is light at the end of that REALLY SHITTY FEELING. That’s what depression is: It’s when all of the self doubt and sadness blocks out all of your hope. I know all too well how terrible that feels and I’m so sorry that you’re feeling like that right now. The world would be devastated without you, your wife, children, family would absolutely be crushed, even if sometimes it doesn’t feel like it. Hang in there darling, the clouds pass…

      What type of writing did you have in mind? Do you have a blog?

      Reply
      1. matt0424

        Yes, I do have a blog I recently started. I found it is one of the few ways I can actually release things, and has been quite therapeutic…

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