Things I’ve Learned About Homeless People

1. A homeless man stabbed me with a spork (spoon/fork) after I took a picture of him sleeping on the bus.

2. A homeless man once peed his pants on a bus and the urine flowed like the Mississippi river towards the back. I had to lift my feet up to avoid contamination. That man clearly had one too many Bud Lights.

3. I compulsively give money to homeless people if they have a dog, a vagina, or are trying to work. Sometimes I tell them to sing or something if they are not working, so I can consider that “entertainment,” and pay them anyway.

4. When I was 16 I was super into punk rock music. I met a group of train-hopper kids on the street and invited them back to my friends house for drinks. He wasn’t thrilled. Then I told them to shower and the girl said, “no, we can’t, if you don’t look homeless, people won’t give you money.” These kids were all under 18 years old. They’d run away from foster homes, or abusive parents.

5. One time in Florence a homeless dude chased me and my friends with his penis.

6. Another time in Florence a man who looked homeless was jerking off while watching me play with Oliver at the park.

7. Yes, apparently, weiner things often happen in Florence.

8. A Gypsy is a person of a certain ethnicity, a Gypsy is not homeless. Also, they will follow you to the restaurant bathroom demanding “more” money if you give them any. If you’re in Greece, they will spit on the window of the Cafe you are in and draw a  symbol with their saliva to curse you if you don’t give them money. That explains my life, basically.

9. My mother and I were homeless for a short time when I was a toddler. We lived in her car. Don’t be so judgy about homeless people, many women are only one black eye away from that fate. Yes, my mother had a job, even while we lived in the car.

10. Once, a homeless man in Salt Lake City told my friend, “I spread your mom like Mayonaise.” She maced him (because her mom had just passed away and it was a touchy subject). He screamed and ran into a tree. Sometimes, homeless people are fucking rude.

11. If I see a homeless dog I burst into tears and have to be carried away like a crazy person. Seriously. I’m unstable.

12. Homeless people are people too. Sometimes they are drunks, or drug addicts, sometimes they left abuse, sometimes they lost their jobs, sometimes they used to live in a hospital for the insane but the hospital closed and let the people out on the streets (Florence) so it’s flooded with batshit crazy, weiner shaking hobos. It’s best not to judge. Just ask for a song and give em a buck. Also, listening to a crazy hobo sing is well worth one dollar. In places like Seattle they are also good at doing hand-stands.

13. Sometimes homeless people become millionaires and make you their bitch. So don’t be a dick, you might be working for them one day. Like that one dude who Will Smith played.


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